Took a walk in the snow today

It’ll be February tomorrow. We’ve had more snow, for longer, than we have had in twenty years. The last time we had this much snow was when I first moved to this town in 1997. I know that most people are sick of it now, and are ready to see it go away. I’m still thrilled to death with it. I love it.

Snow is very nostalgic for me. It reminds me of when I was nine and ten years old, living with my grandparents waaaaaay out in the woods of the Swan valley. The snow got ridiculously deep there, deep enough that I was able to dig a system of tunnels in the snow in the front yard. That was only one of the reasons that that was such a great time for me.

So when I looked out the window a few minutes before my lunch break, and saw that it was snowing outside again, I was excited. I wolfed down some of Laure’s left over chicken stir fry from last night (fucking delicious by the way), bundled up and went for a walk. I walked for about forty-five minutes, and managed about two and a half miles.

At first, I listened to a podcast with my bluetooth ear buds, but after fifteen minutes or so I turned it off and took them out of my ears. I listened to the sound of my foot steps in the snow, the traffic, the wind… it was nice. I think it was the first time I’d unplugged from everything in weeks.

By the time I walked back into the building, I felt much better. I haven’t had any grand epiphany, I don’t feel any more optimistic about things than I did before, but I do feel a little more at ease with it all. The situation is what it is, we’re just going to have to roll with it, hope for the best, plan for the worst, yada-yada-yada.

 

I can’t really explain it, but I feel better about things. Calmer, I guess.

Doing better

This is first year in a long time that I haven’t had to only partially pay our electric bill in the winter, and then use our tax refunds to play catch-up. You can get away with that here because the temperatures get so low in the winter time that it’s illegal for the power companies to shut your power off. So I would just pay what I could each month, deal with the added fees, and use our tax refunds to get caught up.

So that’s good news I guess.

Also, yesterday I had two more moles removed. It’s been a few years since my dermatologist has done any carving. That makes a total of nine moles I’ve had removed. A few have been precancerous, most have not. I’ll get the biopsy results in a few days, but I’m trying not to stress too much about it.

The eternal question

I entertained the idea of writing one of those “My Year in Review” posts, and even started jotting down some notes. Then I decided… fuck that. New blog, new stuff. This is nothing to do with the new year, by the way. The whole idea of New Year’s resolutions is really pretty stupid, in my own, humble opinion. I was inspired by Wil Wheaton’s life reboot posts, and several months ago I started seriously analyzing my own life, and only half seriously taking on a similar project.

I’m going through something of a mid-life crisis I suppose. I’m about to turn forty-one in just a few months, and I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating just how little time I have left in this world even if I make it to eighty years of age. It felt like my child hood went agonizingly slow. Then the last twenty years or so flew by me so fast that the thought of what ever is left of my life flying by even faster, quite frankly scares the shit out of me.

It’s not so much death that scares me. I have no idea what is there, if anything. I have reasons to believe there is something there, something more than what we’re able to perceive in this existence, something that connects us all. Sometimes I am sure that I have memories of a past life. Then sometimes my pessimism gets the best of me and I become convinced that there is nothing. You just cease to exist and it’s no different than before you were born. Sometimes that theory offers me comfort because, if that is the case, I won’t know it so it won’t matter. Other times, that theory terrifies me even more because it means that this tiny, insignificant amount of time that we’re alive is all that we have, which seems devastatingly unfair to me.

What is more immediate though, is trying to figure out how to make what little time I have meaningful. I don’t mean in a grand scheme of things, making my mark on the world kind of way because that really is horse shit. Of the billions of people that have come and gone during Earth’s history, only a very tiny, nearly minuscule percentage have done anything that could be called a “lasting legacy”.

No, I just want to do something that makes my life meaningful to me. So at least I can die feeling like I spent my time well. As it stands, I feel like I’ve spent most of my life just surviving, just getting by, navigating one unfortunate situation after another. My childhood was a shit show, courtesy of my mentally ill mother. The more I talk with my therapist, the more I realize just how much damage she did. In the last decade, things have calmed down considerably. I’ve actively worked at removing the toxic influences from my life, and changing my own bad behaviors. I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can stop focusing on just getting by, and start making it a point to live.

I just have no idea how to do that.