Red Velvet Cake

I woke up exhausted today. It took a good twenty minutes to talk myself out of bed. I managed to get to work and be relatively productive until about an hour ago. I’m completely drained and pretty much checked out for the day.

Must get to bed early tonight.

Saturday, Laure made red velvet cake. She’s been working on a dairy free (for me), gluten free (for her) recipe for quite a while now and nearly has it perfect. We all loved the cake but she insists that “it was too eggy”, and needs work.

Here’s the thing about red velvet cake. Red velvet is a flavor, a unique flavor all it’s own. Most of what you buy at bakeries and grocery stores is not red velvet cake, it’s chocolate cake that has simply been dyed red and called “Red velvet cake”. That is some serious horse shit right there, and I think it needs to be made illegal.

She also made some cream cheese danishes, which I can’t eat but they certainly smelled good. Something went wrong with the dough, and they didn’t turn out very well. She’s going to try again this coming weekend.

My brother’s birthday is today but he dropped by the house yesterday and we celebrated then, with red velvet cake of course.

Speaking of this weekend, I have a Rifts game on Saturday afternoon, which we’ll be broadcasting on Youtube. I’m going to tinker with OBS and see if I can broadcast multiple streams with it. I’d like to stream to Twitch and to Youtube. I may try opening two instances of it and see if that works. I have a Twitch account that I keep meaning to make use of, but just haven’t made it happen.

Along that same vein, I’ve been getting more familiar with, from the GM’s perspective. I plan on running some one shot games for a variety of systems, and started putting together an album of images for back grounds, since I’m not a big map user in my RPGs. I think maps tend to turn it into more of a board game, rather than an RPG. I generally only employ them when necessary, and avoid them when I can.

What else… My twitter feed has become quite political in the last few weeks. I’m aware of that. I need to back off and try to ignore it all for a while but there is so much going on. Trump is digging away at his hole with unparalleled exuberance, the GOP wants to sell off our public lands, the illegal muslim ban, boobs… there are a lot of boobs on twitter.

I got the results back on the biopsies from the two moles they shaved off of me a few weeks ago. The one on my abdomen was completely benign. The one on my head did have some atypical cells though, which is nothing new for me. I’m to keep an eye on it and set up an appointment if another mole starts to grow back in it’s place. Regardless though, I have an appointment in six months to get checked out again, and see if they need to remove more skin from the area where that mole was, or hopefully confirm that they got it all.

That’s about it. I don’t have much of anything interesting to write about today. I really am seriously fucking tired and I wanted to get something posted today.


Here’s Laure, working up a recipe for red velvet cake.

Shit to do

I have shit to do.

* Keep up with my exercise. I’ve been slacking the last week or so because of the temperature outside. It’s warming. Time to get back on it.

* Quit eating so much, and quit eating so much shit. Already doing better with this I think.

* Take more photographs. Hence, the photo accompanying this post, which I took specifically for this post, about fifteen minutes ago.

* Play more pen and paper RPGs. It looks like to accomplish this one, I’ll have to run some games on some systems I’ve never played before. It went well with D&D 5e. I’m sure I can pull it off with some others.

* Get to bed earlier. Been sucking at this lately.

* Finally get started building our teardrop. Haven’t been able to do this because money has been tight. Taxes refunds are nearly upon us.

I think that about does it. Small, simple.

The eternal question

I entertained the idea of writing one of those “My Year in Review” posts, and even started jotting down some notes. Then I decided… fuck that. New blog, new stuff. This is nothing to do with the new year, by the way. The whole idea of New Year’s resolutions is really pretty stupid, in my own, humble opinion. I was inspired by Wil Wheaton’s life reboot posts, and several months ago I started seriously analyzing my own life, and only half seriously taking on a similar project.

I’m going through something of a mid-life crisis I suppose. I’m about to turn forty-one in just a few months, and I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating just how little time I have left in this world even if I make it to eighty years of age. It felt like my child hood went agonizingly slow. Then the last twenty years or so flew by me so fast that the thought of what ever is left of my life flying by even faster, quite frankly scares the shit out of me.

It’s not so much death that scares me. I have no idea what is there, if anything. I have reasons to believe there is something there, something more than what we’re able to perceive in this existence, something that connects us all. Sometimes I am sure that I have memories of a past life. Then sometimes my pessimism gets the best of me and I become convinced that there is nothing. You just cease to exist and it’s no different than before you were born. Sometimes that theory offers me comfort because, if that is the case, I won’t know it so it won’t matter. Other times, that theory terrifies me even more because it means that this tiny, insignificant amount of time that we’re alive is all that we have, which seems devastatingly unfair to me.

What is more immediate though, is trying to figure out how to make what little time I have meaningful. I don’t mean in a grand scheme of things, making my mark on the world kind of way because that really is horse shit. Of the billions of people that have come and gone during Earth’s history, only a very tiny, nearly minuscule percentage have done anything that could be called a “lasting legacy”.

No, I just want to do something that makes my life meaningful to me. So at least I can die feeling like I spent my time well. As it stands, I feel like I’ve spent most of my life just surviving, just getting by, navigating one unfortunate situation after another. My childhood was a shit show, courtesy of my mentally ill mother. The more I talk with my therapist, the more I realize just how much damage she did. In the last decade, things have calmed down considerably. I’ve actively worked at removing the toxic influences from my life, and changing my own bad behaviors. I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can stop focusing on just getting by, and start making it a point to live.

I just have no idea how to do that.